P.S. #3: Deconstructive Criticism
Written & Produced by Rae Lundberg
[THE VERY END OF THE INTRO THEME PLAYS.] RAE L: This mini-episode takes place during Season 1, prior to the finale. [SHUFFLING FEET AND CHAIRS SCRAPING ACROSS THE FLOOR AS THEY’RE REARRANGED.] NICHOLAS: All right, everyone. Take a seat, please, and we can-- VAL: Any chance we can postpone this until...I don’t know, never? NICHOLAS: No. I’m not thrilled to be having this meeting either, but I’m required to take some action after the number of customer complaints we’ve had recently. VAL: (scoffs) Customers. MILO: What would they have to complain about? NICHOLAS: I’m about to tell you. CLEMENTINE: This isn’t really relevant to me, right? Practically all of 103’s complaints are about Val, so... [MILO CHUCKLES AT THAT.] VAL: Wow. NICHOLAS: Sit down, Clementine. I promise, you’ll each get your turn. VAL: (taunting) Uh-oh. CLEMENTINE: Shh! MILO: Are we being fired? NICHOLAS: (overlapping, determined) I realize that some of us didn’t choose this job, but we can still take pride in our work. Given how some people view the Post, it’s doubly important that we perform our duties correctly and with integrity. [THE PIGEONS SHIFT UNCOMFORTABLY IN THEIR CHAIRS.] NICHOLAS: Some of these reviews-- CLEMENTINE: But we can’t control people’s prejudices. As long as we do what we’re supposed to, you can’t count their ignorance against us. NICHOLAS: And you’re doing what you’re supposed to? CLEMENTINE: Of course! I’m always professional and responsible. NICHOLAS: And this customer who says you entered their house without permission? Should I count that against you? VAL: Damn, how much housebreaking do you do? CLEMENTINE: Um... NICHOLAS: No comment, Ms. Keys? CLEMENTINE: Well, it’s...you know, it’s kind of a funny story, actually. NICHOLAS: Funny. VAL: I’m getting that sense. CLEMENTINE: Yeah, uh, you probably don’t remember the other complaints from Briarwood, it’s...it’s kind of a running joke by now. NICHOLAS: It’s gone over my head, apparently. MILO: Just blame it on Dark Clementine. NICHOLAS: Excuse me? MILO: Uh, I was just saying maybe it’s her weird double. Who’s sneaking into people’s houses. NICHOLAS: I’m asking you to take this seriously. I received a comment about you that-- VAL: (quietly, to Milo) Hope you’ve got a spooky scapegoat too. NICHOLAS: (ignoring her) --that says more than once you were shouting obscenities while making your deliveries. MILO: That doesn’t sound like me. VAL: No! Our sweet boy? CLEMENTINE: Did they say something to provoke you? MILO: I don’t think so. I don’t remember this. NICHOLAS: This woman wrote that on two different occasions she heard you yell “giant effing guillotine” and “meet you sluts in hell,” as well as other strong language that she didn’t fully understand but she’s sure was not appropriate. MILO: (realizing) Oh. VAL: Everyone has those thoughts sometimes. CLEMENTINE: (doubtful) Do they? VAL: You trespass, he yells cuss words...we all do what we gotta do to cope. CLEMENTINE: It wasn’t like that. NICHOLAS: Nevertheless, we can’t let our impulses get the best of us. MILO: I wasn’t just shouting random stuff, okay? I had my headphones in, and I guess I didn’t realize how loud I was singing along. VAL: So you didn’t mean it? Are you gonna meet me in hell or not? NICHOLAS: You’re telling me all this stuff about… (checks paper) sex anarchists and undead commies... those were just lyrics? CLEMENTINE: What in the world were you listening to? MILO: This and that. The Flaming Holes just dropped a new LP, so I’ve had that on repeat, but Gays Are from Pluto is my go-to album for-- NICHOLAS: All right, I think we understand the situation. You’re free to listen to music while you’re on your route, but please be conscious of what and how loudly you’re...singing. Not everyone shares your unique tastes. MILO: Cultural illiterates. VAL: (claps her hands together) Well, I guess that brings us to the end of this meeting, huh? [VAL STARTS TO GET UP, AND THERE’S A LONG SILENCE AS NICK PRESUMABLY STARES HER DOWN.] VAL: Okay, nevermind. NICHOLAS: I saved yours for last, Valencia, because I assume you have an explanation for why you would threaten a small child and chase him, screaming and crying, into a doghouse. CLEMENTINE: Not another playground squabble. MILO: Bullying is a sign of low self-esteem. Val, do you wanna talk about something? VAL: You shut up. NICHOLAS: Well? VAL: Are these comments anonymous? NICHOLAS: The fact that the specificity of the incident doesn’t narrow down for you who submitted it is, uh, deeply concerning to me. VAL: Kids are terrible. What do you want me to say? NICHOLAS: That’s not-- MILO: Kids are pretty awful. Why are they always sticky? CLEMENTINE: And so loud. Animals make much better company. VAL: Let me tell you, this kid was like a screeching demon trapped in a tiny, peanut butter-coated body. CLEMENTINE: Then again, you’re also loud, and not the cleanest person-- MILO: (overlapping) That reminds me, has anyone seen the sandwich I brought? I thought I left it by the coffee pot… VAL: (overlapping) What are you trying to say? You think I’m childish? CLEMENTINE: (overlapping) If the baby shoe fits. MILO: (overlapping) I need a snack to get through my shift, or I get-- NICHOLAS: All right, enough! This is about all I can handle of...this. Just get to your routes, and try not to make any more problems for me, please? VAL: What about you? We haven’t read one of your complaints yet. NICHOLAS: What makes you think there would be any? MILO: You do the customer service stuff, so it stands to reason… NICHOLAS: And I do that “stuff” with a friendly, helpful attitude that customers seem to appreciate. No one feels the need to complain about me. VAL: No one? Come off it. CLEMENTINE: Just drop it and let’s go before he changes his mind. [SHUFFLING FEET AND CHAIRS BEING MOVED.] MILO: Postal customers suck. Nick must be pretty lucky if none of them has gotten upset with him. VAL: Nah, he’s full of it. I know for a fact he’s had complaints recently. CLEMENTINE: How do you know? VAL: I submitted them. [ALL LAUGHING.] ELIZABETH L.: (as the outro plays) The Night Post pod is recorded in front of a live studio audience. If you’ve enjoyed tonight’s episode, please follow us on Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram. You can place your own customer complaints for the couriers of Station 103 wherever fine podcasts are reviewed. Join our Patreon for weekly bonus content, and for our everlasting love and affection. The Night Post pod will return on August 11. Thanks for listening!