Episode 3.03: Always the Best Man, Never the Groom
Written and Produced by Rae Lundberg
Content Warnings (Click to expand)
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NICHOLAS: (as the intro plays) At the edge of Gilt City, birds fly blindly into the gathering storm, and all await the arrival of the Night Post. VAL: Come on, let’s get out of here while Nick’s talking to himself. (footsteps) NICHOLAS: A moment, please, you three. VAL: Not again! Dammit, Clem, your boots are too loud. CLEMENTINE: He probably heard your pocket knives jingling. MILO: You sound like the world’s most hazardous wind chime. NICHOLAS: I wasn’t just talking to myself, you know. VAL: Aw, did I make you self-conscious? NICHOLAS: Do you know why I say some variation of these words every night? There is a reason. (pause) This is our duty, couriers. We keep the world turning. All await the Night Post, and we must deliver. MILO: “We keep the world turning”? You don’t think you’re overstating that a bit? NICHOLAS: You’ll forgive me if I sound dramatic, but our work is paramount. And it’s my duty to make sure my couriers don’t jeopardize that work by spreading a conspiracy theory. VAL: It’s not like we’ve managed to spread it very far. CLEMENTINE: But we are telling the truth! NICHOLAS: True or not, that story’s dangerous. You’re putting the whole city at risk, yourselves especially. MILO: So help us for once, instead of giving vague orders that we can’t follow. VAL: He won’t. He’s on their side. NICHOLAS: There are no sides, at least not yet. I’m trying to– CLEMENTINE: This affects you too. Why can’t you fight for yourself? VAL: Just leave it. We don’t need him. MILO: But what if he– NICHOLAS: Please, enough! I’m well aware that my words have little effect on you three. I explicitly told you not to go sharing this alarmist tale about the Post, but you did it anyway. Well, it stops here. I’m not taking my eyes off the three of you. If you continue to pursue this, my superiors will hear of it. VAL: Good. We want everyone to know. MILO: Your superiors. You mean the Governor’s Office, or the Other? NICHOLAS: I don’t need to justify myself. You’re playing with the lives of nearly five million people. If I need to suspend you all, reassign you, hide you behind desks in even more backwater stations than this one–I will. CLEMENTINE: Block already tried that. NICHOLAS: Don’t talk about her. (tense pause) You think I don’t know what you were up to last night? Who you’ve been dealing with? MILO: Uh, well see, that– NICHOLAS: Just get to your routes, and think about what I said. Really think about it. A story, once told, cannot be untold, not for any price. This envelope cannot be resealed. VAL: We know that better than you. MILO: Here we go… VAL: We’re the ones facing the consequences, while you hide in your office and snitch on us. I nearly died in this station while you were on vacation– CLEMENTINE: Can you just leave it, for once? VAL: (exhale) Whatever. NICHOLAS: I’d better not hear of this again. Dismissed. (footsteps leaving) Wait. Milo…tell Ashley hello for me. MILO: Uh…sure. [OUTSIDE: CRICKETS CHIRPING, A DOG BARKING, LIGHT WIND BLOWING, DISTANT THUNDER.] MILO: Y’all heard that, right? He knows about Ashley. CLEMENTINE: I didn’t say anything, I promise. VAL: We know you didn’t, Clem. MILO: It doesn’t matter how he knows. What matters is he’s going to report to head office, and they’re going to come after Ashley. The Post is going to try to get him back, I know it. CLEMENTINE: He and Ashley were friends. Would Nicholas really do that? VAL: I’m not sure, but Nick made it pretty clear just now that he intends to get in our way. We need some way to distract him, something to keep him off our backs. MILO: He manages to run the station by himself while somehow watching our every move. What would keep him busy enough to forget about us? CLEMENTINE: Does Nicholas have a significant other? MILO and VAL: What? CLEMENTINE: I was just thinking, if he had someone waiting for him at home, maybe he’d spend less time keeping tabs on us. MILO: That’s true. When I’m with Ashley, sometimes I can forget about this job for whole minutes at a time. VAL: How is he, by the way? MILO: He’s…different. He’s still the man I married–he still loves plants and loves me–but you saw how different he looks. How he sounds. VAL: Yeah, that was…at first I thought those knife-and-candle idiots brought back the wrong guy. I was like, “who’s this twink?” MILO: And he won’t talk to me about what it was like in the Other. He says it’s too hard to describe, that humans don’t have the right senses for it. CLEMENTINE: He’ll probably need time to process what he went through. MILO: I still don’t know what the Birdwatchers actually did, and I’m scared that…what if he doesn’t last? What if he gets…pulled back somehow? What if he gets taken again? VAL: Milo– MILO: (increasingly upset) What if it’s some kind of trick, and the Birdwatchers are trying to use him against me? Can I even be sure it’s really him? What if there’s no– VAL: Milo. Hey. Take a breath, all right? (pause) There you go. And another one. CLEMENTINE: Where are these anxieties coming from? Did something happen? MILO: I don’t know. He has these moments when he looks so distant, and it’s like I can see through him. He…flickers, like a dying candle. And then he doesn’t know where or when he is, and I have to calm him down. CLEMENTINE: That does sound scary. VAL: Damn. Another one for the list of weird shit we really need answers for. CLEMENTINE: You’ll tell us if there’s any way we can help, right? In the meantime, keep Ashley close. He needs you, and you know how precious your time together is. MILO: I know. It’s hard to be away from him, even though he mostly just wants to sleep. Says he’s tired all the time now. VAL: Look, if you need to get home, we understand. Being with your husband is more important than setting up your nosy boss. MILO: No, I–I could use the distraction, honestly. Matchmaking hijinks might be just what I need. VAL: Hell yeah, that’s the spirit. CLEMENTINE: Wait, we’re actually going with this plan? VAL: It was your plan. CLEMENTINE: I was really just thinking out loud. I’m not sure I trust us to find our postmaster somebody to love. VAL: True, your own success rate in that arena suggests it’s not your strength. CLEMENTINE: And with your sense of humor, how are you still single? VAL: Oh ho ho, she wants to banter– MILO: Focus, y’all. What kind of person would Nicholas be interested in? VAL: (after a pause) (“I don’t know” sound) CLEMENTINE: You’ve known him the longest. Who has he been with before? And what about crushes? Any customers he’s commented on? VAL: I don’t know! He’s never mentioned dating or a partner, that I can remember. The man is…he just is what he is. He’s a workaholic. He hasn’t changed at all in eight years. (pause) No, actually, that’s not true. He changed his prescription a while back–he used to be more squinty. MILO: So he loves to work and he loves the Post. What about another pigeon or postmaster? CLEMENTINE: Val, you said that your temporary station’s postmaster was also the reserved, hardworking type. What about zem? VAL: No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. No one from the Post. We can’t have a repeat of the Will situation. CLEMENTINE: The Will situation– VAL: Yeah, that’s what I said. We can’t risk putting another pair of eyes on us. That’s counter to the goal of this operation. Plus, dating another postie is kind of weird and bleak. MILO: It is? VAL: Not you, y’all were already married. CLEMENTINE: “Weird and bleak”? VAL: Speaking of which, Milo, you’re the only one of us with a lasting relationship– CLEMENTINE: (overlapping) Again, hey– VAL: So how did you and Ashley get together? MILO: Actually, we met at Agi’s shop. Ashley came in looking for a gift, and I helped him pick something out. It’s funny, I don’t actually remember what the book was now, or even who he was shopping for. I just remember being drawn to the calm, sturdy way he carried himself. (pause) And then I didn’t expect his smile. So bright I thought it might set the books on fire. That or my burning cheeks might have. CLEMENTINE: And I’ll bet he couldn’t resist the cute, blushing boy who knows all about books. VAL: All right, so you met at work. Then what we need to do is fill 103 with hot ladies, gaydies, and theydies. MILO: How do you propose we do that? VAL: That’s a tough one. Hot people don’t hang out at Night Post stations, especially not podunk ones like this. Present speaker excluded, of course. CLEMENTINE: What if we made a personal ad? MILO: Like a lonely hearts posting? CLEMENTINE: Sure, why not? VAL: How did I not predict this? It’s the most on-brand suggestion you could have made. CLEMENTINE: I’ll just bet you have a “better” idea. VAL: Well, my usual process is to scout out some rando at the club. You know, somebody who looks lonely, but not too lonely. Cool, but not like, trying too hard. Somebody with the Sandra-Oh-factor– MILO: If these are our two options, I’m with Clem. CLEMENTINE: Thank you. VAL: Ugh, fine. But we’re not planning on printing these, are we? I’m still salty about the money we dropped on the other flyers. CLEMENTINE: Posting it online might narrow our pool a bit, but I know there are lots of forums for this kind of thing. [A LONG PAUSE.] VAL: What? MILO: Nothing, I just thought you were going to comment on that. VAL: Oh, I will. I’m just waiting for the right moment. CLEMENTINE: (quiet, mocking) I’m just waiting for the right moment. [DAYTIME IN AN INTERNET CAFE. BACKGROUND SOUNDS OF CLICKING, TYPING, PRINTING, THE HUM OF AN AIR CONDITIONER. THE DOOR OPENS.] OWNER: Hey, welcome. Feel free to sit wherever you like. We’ve got room. MILO: The, uh, sign says you’re going out of business? OWNER: End of this month, yeah. We’ve been here since the dot-com boom. MILO: But it’s usually packed in here. OWNER: Don’t you watch the news, bud? The Governor promised free, high-speed wireless internet for everybody within the year. Dial-up is dead, man. Hell, desktop is dead. I got into this biz at the right time, and I know when to get out. VAL: Augustine sure has been making a lot of promises lately. CLEMENTINE: Where are they getting the money, the tech, the…infrastructure, all of it? OWNER: It’s based on new tech, actually. The smartasses in the Governor’s labs came up with a way to draw ambient energy from the Skelter. Apparently, they’d been working on it for a while and finally had a breakthrough. The Gov didn’t go into detail, and I don’t understand it all anyway, but it’s supposed to be a nearly unlimited energy source. MILO: What kind of energy? OWNER: Look, I’m not a physicist. I just run a soon-to-be-obsolete internet cafe. You want a computer or what? MILO: Yeah. Thanks. [CHAIRS SCRAPE AS THEY FIND SEATS AT A DESK. CLOSE-UP CLICKING AND TYPING AS THEY LOG ON TO THE COMPUTER.] VAL: Okay, how do we start this? Clem, you’re the expert. CLEMENTINE: I never said I was an expert. VAL: My mistake. Clem, you’re the one with the most experience writing embarrassing, lovelorn letters. Can you help us out here? MILO: You dictate, I’ll type. CLEMENTINE: Ummm, okay, well…these things usually start with–wait. How old is Nick, anyway? VAL: I think he’s like, thir…mmm, for…fif– MILO: Is he really that old, or is it just his clothes? VAL: (laughing) That’s so hateful. MILO: No, I’m genuinely asking. Do we just think he’s older because he has the same slacks and pullovers as like, every grandpa? CLEMENTINE: We’d better stick to what we know. “Career-oriented man of…indeterminate age seeks partner to lavish with attention and share life outside of work.” VAL: “Enjoys house music, strong coffee, and warm slippers. Sense of humor: dry to nonexistent.” MILO: Let’s see, what else? Oh. (typing) “Infuriatingly loyal to a massive conspiracy that threatens everyone. Resistant to pressure from employees who need help facing said conspiracy.” CLEMENTINE: Let’s try to keep it positive. And relevant. VAL: So just edit it to “infuriatingly loyal and resistant to pressure.” What else do we know? CLEMENTINE: (after a pause) We’ll just move on to the next part. “Seeking a fellow night owl who appreciates traditional mail and the written word.” VAL: “Ideal applicant possesses the poise, charisma, and down-to-earth humility of Sandra Oh.” MILO: What is your obsession? CLEMENTINE: Strike that. Just end with, “Apply by phone or mail to postmaster of Station 103.” MILO: Now to post it on Clem’s lonely pigeon sites. CLEMENTINE: They’re not my– VAL: Of which there are apparently many. You really can find anything on the internet. MILO: Too bad we can’t just search “Prime City and the Other” and find a convenient wiki page. VAL: Wait, can we? Have we already tried that? MILO: Duh. VAL: Oh. CLEMENTINE: You know, this might actually work. Nicholas will ease off, and we may even help him meet someone special. I have really good ideas sometimes. MILO: (clicking) Aaaand…done. All that’s left to do is wait for sparks to fly. (chair scraping) Uh, I-I actually need to get back and see if Ashley’s awake. Val, can you take Clementine home? VAL: Y…yeah, I-I guess. Send our love to the hubby. [INTERIOR OF THE MAIL TRUCK, DRIVING THROUGH TOWN. A FEW SECONDS OF RELATIVE SILENCE.] CLEMENTINE: So, what was that about? VAL: Hm? CLEMENTINE: You were all weird when Milo asked about driving me. (pause) It feels like you’ve been acting some kind of way all day, interrupting me more…even your little jabs feel more pointed than usual. VAL: (irritated sigh) CLEMENTINE: Well, what’s your problem? (a pause, with no answer) Is this about “the Will situation”? VAL: So you admit there’s a situation. CLEMENTINE: No, that–those are your words. Val, I apologized over and over for inadvertently putting us in danger. But we survived, and I’m the one who suffered the most for it. Can’t you let it go? VAL: I don’t care about that. CLEMENTINE: Obviously, you do! You keep twisting your hands on the steering wheel like it’s killing you not to say something. VAL: All right, you want to know what I think? I think dating that woman was a shit decision, even apart from all the trouble she got us into. She’s a spoiled, stuck-up jerk who never really respected you. CLEMENTINE: How would you know? You never gave her a chance. VAL: Because I was there, Clem! I saw how she treated you. While you were being wined and dined and shown off at all of her favorite restaurants, did it ever occur to you that maybe it wasn’t for your benefit? CLEMENTINE: I– VAL: How many times did Miss Prescott visit your place? How often did she give you a gift you actually liked, or even asked what you wanted? How much did she treat you like an individual, instead of like some strange trinket she’d taken a shine to? CLEMENTINE: All right, you’ve made your point. I’m a dumb lesbian who follows her heart down the wrong path sometimes. But Will and I are done. I don’t need you to…protect me from her, or whatever this is. VAL: Are you sure? CLEMENTINE: What’s that supposed to mean? VAL: I know you went to see her, Clementine. I know about the letters, and the expensive gifts, and how she wouldn’t just let you alone. And I can see it working in that frizzy blond head of yours. You still have feelings for her, because of course you do, and you can’t resist being wanted. CLEMENTINE: Just because I’m not an empty, bitter– (pause) Just because I’m still working through my feelings doesn’t mean I’m going to take her back. VAL: Why would you even consider it? I know you know other women. Why waste any more time on this one? CLEMENTINE: What other women? (pause) Are you…jealous? [TRANSITION TO BUMPIER ROAD AS THEY LEAVE THE CITY.] VAL: Of Wilhelmina? Be serious. I’m just tired of being your shoulder to cry on while you keep pining over the same girls and making the same damn mistakes. CLEMENTINE: When have you ever? You thought Will and I’s relationship was “weird and bleak” from the very start. VAL: Really latched on to that one, huh? That wasn’t about you and Will. That was…my own issue. CLEMENTINE: I think it’s natural for pigeons to stick together. Who else understands our lives? Not that Will’s life is all that similar to mine, but…the Post connects us, still. More than she knows. VAL: That’s kind of what I meant. CLEMENTINE: You and Milo and I have that connection too. Does that bother you? VAL: No, it’s just–I don’t know. I’ve had a long time to make peace with my fate or whatever, but it’s hard getting close to people and knowing that they’re doomed, too. CLEMENTINE: We are not doomed, Val. VAL: Hm. CLEMENTINE: You have to believe that. VAL: Says the girl who won’t admit when a relationship is over. CLEMENTINE: We’re not over, you and me. Any time you want to actually start being my shoulder to cry on– VAL: Ehh… CLEMENTINE: My tough love, my wine and song, my rock and a hard place? VAL: That’s more like it. CLEMENTINE: I do value your advice, you know. I know you mean well, even if it usually comes with hostility and condescension. VAL: Aww, you get me. CLEMENTINE: (gentle laugh) But that doesn’t mean that I have to take your advice. I may not always know what I’m doing, but I’m not convinced you do, either. VAL: True enough. I haven’t done the greatest job running my own life. (pause) I mean, if you really care about someone, who am I to tell you to let them go? CLEMENTINE: Is Val Torres actually changing her mind? VAL: I still think that girl is no good for you, but it’s a queer woman’s prerogative to pursue a doomed relationship. CLEMENTINE: Speaking from experience? VAL: Pretty much everything good in my life I’ve messed up, in one way or another. All except… CLEMENTINE: What? [THE TRUCK CRUNCHES TO A STOP ON THE DIRT ROAD.] VAL: We’re here. Your castle, milady. CLEMENTINE: (truck door opens) Go get some sleep before work, all right? I’ll see you tonight. VAL: Same time, same place. (door shuts) [THE STATION’S FRONT DOOR OPENS AND THE BUZZER SOUNDS. MILO LETS OUT A STARTLED YELL.] VAL: Why would you hover in the doorway like a ghoul? CLEMENTINE: We get enough jump scares on our haunts. Jeez. NICHOLAS: I received an interesting phone call today, and I thought you three might be able to explain it. VAL: I doubt it. We can’t explain much of anything. You’re the guy with all the answers, remember? NICHOLAS: Try for me. A man called the station and asked for me specifically. He said he “liked the cut of my envelope.” MILO: Heh. You know, there are some real weirdos out there. I guess every public number is bound to get a call like that every now and then. NICHOLAS: Except that wasn’t the only one. I picked up the phone, and with no introduction, a woman demanded to know if I liked piña coladas. MILO: (holding back laughter) And, uh, how did that go? NICHOLAS: As it happens, I do like piña coladas. But then she asked if I wanted to go on a date, which I was far less enthusiastic about. CLEMENTINE: Any particular reason why? VAL: Yeah, she sounds fun. NICHOLAS: Fun for whom? I thought to myself, “who would direct amorous singles to my work line?” And by process of elimination, I reached the answer. VAL: You don’t have any evidence– CLEMENTINE: I’m sorry. It was my idea. We made a silly personal ad for you and put it online. VAL: (exasperated sigh) Oh, Clem. MILO: I didn’t expect her to crack that fast. NICHOLAS: I see. I’m not sure why you would do such an odd thing, but I suspect it must have something to do with our conversation last night. You were upset by my harsh instructions, so you made a plan to…get back at me? Play a trick on me? CLEMENTINE: No! I would never– MILO: The idea was just to distract you a bit. So you wouldn’t interfere. NICHOLAS: If you wanted to distract me, there are plenty of ways to do it. A complicated puzzle, a tropical fish shop, a mahjong tournament, a nice cheese board– VAL: Hold on, I’m making notes. NICHOLAS: Those things would distract me. Romance is never a distraction for me. VAL: Maybe that’s your problem! You need to get out of this office. Stop obsessing over stamps and packages and shit, and get out there where the people are. Find love, be happy, etcetera. NICHOLAS: I have a very fulfilling social life, actually. I’ve just never had any interest in dating. VAL: Sure, but you have to date if you want–oh. Oh. We’re…assholes. NICHOLAS: I was going to say, “lovable but inconsiderate idiots.” CLEMENTINE: That’s more than fair. MILO: We might have known that, if you weren’t so mysterious. It’s like you’re at the station 24/7. We didn’t know what to write about you besides your unflinching dedication to the work. NICHOLAS: Just because you don’t know about my life outside the Post doesn’t mean I don’t have one. I like to cook and watch period dramas. I have a bowling league and a turtle named Ken, whom I love very much. VAL: You are blowing my mind right now. How long have you had Ken? And you never mentioned them– CLEMENTINE: We’re really sorry, Nick. It was a bad idea, and worse execution. That’s kind of our trademark. MILO: We shouldn’t have meddled in your life. But in fairness, we wouldn’t have interfered if you hadn’t interfered with us. NICHOLAS: I hardly think that’s comparable. I was doing my job– VAL: We know, your all-important job. NICHOLAS: Listen. I have my reasons and stakes in this position that I don’t need to share with you and wouldn’t expect you to understand. But-but at the heart, I do this for the people I care about, and that includes you three. My fellow pigeons are among the most important people in my life, and none are closer to me than you. You don’t have to sympathize or agree with my decisions, but please don’t accuse me of indifference, or of prioritizing anything over your lives. MILO: (sigh) And as usual, we just have to take your word for it. CLEMENTINE: We believe you. VAL: It still sucks, though. MILO: What did you mean last night, when you were “meditating”? You said, “birds fly blindly into the storm.” Were you talking about us? NICHOLAS: I didn’t write it. CLEMENTINE: What does that mean? NICHOLAS: I have a feeling the answers are coming, whether we want them or not. One way or another, the truth always outs, doesn’t it? No matter how we try to protect ourselves. NICHOLAS: (as the outro plays) Thank you for joining us on tonight’s route. If you’d like to support Station 103, consider joining our Patreon for weekly bonus stories and early episode access. Or check out our Redbubble and Ko-Fi shops for Night Post merch and digital story collections. Send a letter to some inconsiderate idiots, and tell them about The Night Post.